My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
