I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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