In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
