saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Randomize
