Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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