I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
