Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
