I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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