You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
