my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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