I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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