Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
