Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
