There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
