listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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