Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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