i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There r osticjed everywhere
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
