The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
