just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
