also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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