Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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