College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
