I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
