im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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