Your mouth is God's brothel.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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