When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
