i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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