sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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