Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
