you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
