we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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