i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
