I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He felt like a one man threesome
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
