that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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