What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
