just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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