I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
