i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
bring money and cleavage
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
