i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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