It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
