so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
