M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
