my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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