apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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