I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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