the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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