Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
did i walk over a car last night?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
