A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
