i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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