i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
