I'm sorry my penis didn't work
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
