she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You're breaking my sexual little heart
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
