Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
