I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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