I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
