Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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